Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
