The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
a search helicopter?!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
