I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
