i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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