Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
