When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
