Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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