I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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