I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I deserve this hangover.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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