she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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