I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I need moral support for this bender
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
