Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
