You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
