All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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