I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
