I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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