An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
