I could have mohawked her pubes.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
