I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
