When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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