Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
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I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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