I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
