did you get engaged???
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
