Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
