lets start a swedish sibling band together
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
