I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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