Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
