some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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