part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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