I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
