Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
my liver is dry heaving