I hate all girls vehemently.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it