Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?