I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
