Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
