nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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