I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
