Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want to be your penis for a week.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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