i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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