What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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