I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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