I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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