It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
