I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
