I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
