The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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