I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
