I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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