Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
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New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
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He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My life is pants optional.
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