watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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