Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
