I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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