the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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