2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
