walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
