for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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