they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
