took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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